If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
