just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
