Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
