if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
