hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
