he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
