if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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