Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
