I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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