I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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