i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Less talking, more tequila
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
