oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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