Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
