Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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