Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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