I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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