I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
