: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
