why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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