So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
