I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
