DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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