we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
