Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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