The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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