This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
