Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
