Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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