My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
