I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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