three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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