Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
