i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
