see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
