i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
