I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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