Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We left the knife in your bed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
