Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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