So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I smell stomach acid.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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