Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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