My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
