We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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