I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
