I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
