This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
