sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
