I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
