Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
