i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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