u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
